Thank you so much everyone for all your encouraging comments. Just saw them now as I didn't even log into my account the past few weeks. It just got easier and easier just to ignore this blog and even the blogs I am so fond of reading. I think because writing comes from your soul and my soul needed a little rest...from what I don't know.
It doesn't help with the guilt that I have such a great life...a super husband, great kids and all that I need and here I am feeling blue. It doesn't help that hubby tells me about how cheerful the blind solders at the Ranaviru sevena are some of whom have no limbs. And here I am having everything I wish for, yet complaining of how dull my life has become.
Being a mom brings such conflicting emotions that sometimes my mind feels like a whirlwind. Part of me wants to get away from it all. The next second, I want to grab my baby and never ever let her go from my arms. Part of me is so exited about the prospect of dressing up nice again and having adult conversations. Part of me just sob at the thought of having to be away from my baby.
I question my decisions all the time. Am I doing the right thing? Is this what I really want? Will my babies be all right without me? Will they miss me? Will they cry? Am I harming them anyway by going back to work? It just goes on...
I am trying to ease it all for everybody as much as I can. I've found a loving person to look after them...the same 'Nanda' who brought up my husband and his brothers. She's like a second mother for them. I am slowly increasing the time I spend away from home. A few hours the first week, half a day the next and so on. So far both my kids are doing great. I am not officially starting work till May, but I am slowly geting everyone adjusted...including my self.
I am getting H2 used to formula. It doesn't help that every formula tin, book and doctor screams 'breast milk is best for your baby.' I am not taking her completely off breast milk. I am combo feeding and I did exclusively breast feed her for 7 months (why do I feel I need to give excuses and justify my self I don't know)
I think being a mom is the hardest thing in the world....